I only have 11 hours next week.
I feel like I did something wrong and my boss never sees me so I just don't know. I'm sure he'd tell me if I had, but I just feel that way. When hiring me he said I'd get at least 20 hours, but normally more.... and 11 is nowhere near.
I have an interview with Wells Fargo tomorrow for a personal banking position. Please, if you pray, pray that I get this job or something similar in wage soon. I'm unable to pay my bills and my home situation is causing seeerious depression. I really need to get a good job so I can pay most of my debt off and get my own place...... it kills me to live at home with what goes on. I cry almost nightly.
- Toni's Sidekick, at work
The Parable of the Lost Son
11Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father.
"But
while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled
with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him
and kissed him.
21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[a]'
22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
My sister is not yet found as the youngest son is at the end of this passage. She is still out squandering property with prostitutes, as the passage refers. I relate very much so with the oldest here - go figure, I am the oldest child, duh - but I still find it unfair that the "fattened calf" was not slaughtered for the merriment of the oldest.
I guess in the case that the youngest came back home and was "lost and is found" in the end, yes, there's reason for celebration; if my sister turned to God and completely turned a new leaf, I would understand. It would be deserved. But she has not yet done so, and still I sit here in the shadow of that Princess; I respect my parents, I do whatever I can to please them, and I still feel like #2.
Lately the problems between my parents, my sister and myself have greatly upset me. BADLY. I don't have a regular eating schedule or a proper diet, I don't ever sleep anymore. I almost never work, which is also cause for my distress (I'm always more happy when I feel productive and can take care of myself), but my main stressing factors lie in my home... my resentment toward my spoiled sister, that treats everyone as if she is royalty and the world is her servant; my upset with my parents at their inability to do anything about it, let alone give me a larger room that I deserve to have and would take better care of...
My sister plans to breed her dog. She has no means of taking care of a pregnant dog, let alone the knowledge, financial ability, or responsibility to do so. This will HURT THE DOG if she breeds her, because she will be neglected and hurting. She might even die if she gives birth. Finally we have an appointment to get the dog fixed and get her the rabies shot she's never had. She's never even been to a vet for shots, because my sister has not allowed my parents to do so, nor has she done it herself. I called the vet to ask about "what IF the dog is bred? will it harm her to still get her fixed?" and the vet was very positive and helpful. The dog will not be harmed AT ALL if she's fixed and has been bred, it would just cost a bit more to do the procedure.
That's a relief. I'm really happy to know that. There would be no homes for these puppies, and my sister thinks it will get her money to have puppies. Are you kidding me? They won't even be two steps away from purebred dogs, and mutt-puppies will NOT bring in money!!!
Oh well. I am happy that at least THAT problem is being resolved. It won't even be extremely expensive to do so.. I'm so happy about that. The dog will be safer this way, and maybe my sister will be so angry she won't come home anymore.
Last night my mom told me that my sister is planning on moving back home, again; I spent the rest of the night crying in my room. I am still under stress when she's not here, but for her to come back? And have to deal with that wretched girl daily again? The way she treats me, my parents; the way she disrespects the house and everything in it...... I am so sick of dealing with it. If I had a way out of this house, I'd take it; but I don't. I have no money - I work two days a week now - and I have no one to stay with. No where to go. Nothing.
Sigh. My mom SAYS she's going to just tell my dad that I'm moving back into that room. I asked her what she'd do if I just moved back in myself without saying anything to my dad; we agreed he'd probably want to kick me out because he'd be so angry that I did such a thing without his permission. I agree. It's disrespectful, but I see no other way. So she said instead of ruffling already aroused feathers, she'd just tell him it was happening. No discussion, no more delays; I deserve, and she'll give the reasons why.
I hope it works. I hope she means it this time. I am so unhealthy living in this tiny room; it is so small that I'm claustrophobic in it, and it never gets clean because I have too much stuff (that I use daily, mind you; I have already moved everything unnecessary out of this room and into storage). I can't live like this. I'm a neat freak and this is driving my OCD wild.
Well this entry is long enough. Bleh.
I'm really down the past few days; my room is a mess and it's just too tiny to really clean. I have nowhere to put anything and no way to organize anything because there's NO ROOM TO DO SO!
Today I started tearing it all apart. It's all over my floor and my bed and I don't know what to do with all of it to clean it back up. I just...started taking things apart and throwing things away. And I'm at a loss for what to do now.... it's not even halfway cleaned or done.
Oh well.
I am going to an orientation at the Humane Society next Wednesday night, after which I'll be volunteering 3-4 times a week. I really, really want to get into veterinary, and volunteering with animals will at least get me more experience with them. Lorean and I went to the humane society yesterday just for fun, because I like to pet the animals and give them loves.... and it was heart breaking.
So many pit bulls... so many cats... so many animals!! It's a huge, beautiful facility compared to the last one, but it's still packed full. So many pets have been abandoned during this hard time, and it just kills me inside to see all of their fuzzy faces from inside those cages. They have the saddest eyes... like the only people in the world that loved them suddenly decided they didn't want to love them anymore, and they're just tossed to the side.
I know it's not like that. So many people are forced to give up their pets, and it's horrible, but that's just how I feel when I look at them. So lonely...
Some of the animals don't even bother getting excited when you come near them anymore. So many people have passed them up and just walked by, it's like, why bother? Why bother getting excited, looking cute and wagging my tail - no one takes me home, anyway. Day to day, people pass me by, and I just sit there and look at them.
Guh. Heart breaking. Absolutely heart breaking. I want to adopt them all and give them all love. Poor, poor animals. :-(
At least by volunteering, you make sure there's just ONE more body in that place getting to know them frequently. A familiar face, scent, and voice to comfort them while they wait for their forever-homes.
But I can't because I'm still at work.... I probably will when I leave.
I have only 14 hours this week, and I only have 13 next week.
Really. I want to cry. I was already gonna run out of money for bills before my next paycheck, but now?? Now I won't have money the next paycheck, either.
- Toni
1. Really..seriously.. clean your room. I know it doesn't get much more clean than this, but try? Please?
2. Make Valentine's Day Cookies.
3. BTW, in order to make said cookies, you need a cookie cutter. Go buy one.
4. Please find a second job. :-( 14 hours a week for only $8.50 an hour isn't going to cut it, and even 20 hours a week is just skimping by.
5. Pray a bit more for that new job. I know you have trouble praying for YOURSELF for things, but you should do it.
6. Secretly come up with SOME kind of a devious no-fail plan to get your old room/your undeserving sister's room back. It's huge. It's just the right size to put your stuff in to and even get your comfy bed from storage - you'd actually sleep at night! WOW!
7. Cancel number six, because it ain't happenin'.
8. Try to find out why your little boy kitty won't clean his butt as nicely as your little girl kitty does. He smells of poo.
9. Make dinner tonight.
10. Clean ferret box.
11. GO FOR A LONG WALK BECAUSE YOU'RE TUBBY.
12. .....get some coffee, because caffeine sounds like just the pick-me-up your lethargic attitude needs. :-D
13. Cancel number 12, make it better: go french press yourself some coffee, lazy ass. :-D
The end. I'm bored and really need inspiration to do ANYTHING right now. I'm not in the mood for diddly squat. I just want to lay in bed. I'm pretty upset about not being able to afford my bills... I'm going to run out of money in the next week and a half.
Sigh.
You let me down. You suck. I don't like you.
The end.
