My Untitled Blog

• I can't wait to start walking at least 30mins a day with Kelley once she moves closer - practically down the street!
• I can't wait to hear back to see if I got the first cooking job I've interviewed for or even applied for since maybe August??
• I hope that even if the cooking job doesn't pan out, the other coffee shop job I nailed (and already HAVE, starts next week!) will pay enough to cover bills without anymore help.
  
• I'm also hoping that if it's enough money to cover bills on my own, that I'm able to take the bills down a few notches (and eliminate some completely) so that I can move in with Kelley in two to three months.
• I really hope that someday - someday - my sister will wake up and stop being such a moron. Sigh.
• I'd love to be able to afford new clothes right about now.. I think some new items in my wardrobe would boost my self image and make me feel pretty when I want to dress up.
• Speaking of self image, I'd really love the money to get my hair cut. :-| It's been since.. September? August?? Too long.
• Hopefully I manage to somehow put the amount I've spent from my tax return back into my savings account, and magically still afford going to Disneyland for my birthday in October. I haven't been since I was too young to remember it AND too young to go on any rides. :-( It was supposed to be a good birthday vacation for Lorean and I...
• Speaking of my smoocher-poop, I hope he gets a decent job sometime soon so his parents with shut the eff up. I mean, seriously - this is getting pretty friggin' old, pretty friggin' fast.
• I'd like to slim down to at least a size 6 again... but if I managed to fit into the size 4's at Express again, that would be phenomenally amazing. :-D Really.
• I have high hopes for losing weight and getting fit, for the first time in over a year; I don't feel down about it as much anymore, and I'm FINALLY positive things will change. It used to feel like I'd just be out of shape and overweight like so many others in my family... like it was useless to try to get back into the shape I was once in. Now I KNOW I can, and I'm just waiting for the weather to warm up a tad.
• Speaking of weather - WARM UP A TAD!! I'm sooooo over the snow! OVER IT!
• I'm very thankful Lorean and I are doing so well lately... but he needs some guy time right now. I hope he gets it, because he's being an ornery booger.
• Another thing I'm hopeful for: Moving the heck out of Reno by spring of 2010.
  
• I'm thankful that I have a job, even if it's just 2 days a week and it's only 9 hours. I hate how little it is and it doesn't make it any less troublesome that I can't pay my bills, and I really hate when people say "well at least you have a job!" because that's like saying "At least you're not a starving kid in some third world country!" Obviously things could be worse than any scenario, and saying things like that doesn't help me. BUT.... I am thankful to have it.
• I'm thankful for my parents; I don't agree with how they handle my sister and her situation(s), nor do I always get along with them or even respect their choices... but God, they help me SO much, and it's amazing that I'm not in this financial crapper alone.

I think that's enough good vibes for tonight. I'm exhausted and I'm gonna head to bead. There's a gorgeous little black cat that is waiting for me, purring behind my computer chair. Which reminds me...

• I'm thankful for my awesome pets and my love for animals. People who mistreat animals or even yell at them unnecessarily DISGUST me nearly to the point of tears.
• I hope that I can somehow find money to spend on school, because I'd like to get into the veterinary field.. :-)
  

I only have 11 hours next week.

I feel like I did something wrong and my boss never sees me so I just don't know. I'm sure he'd tell me if I had, but I just feel that way. When hiring me he said I'd get at least 20 hours, but normally more.... and 11 is nowhere near.

I have an interview with Wells Fargo tomorrow for a personal banking position. Please, if you pray, pray that I get this job or something similar in wage soon. I'm unable to pay my bills and my home situation is causing seeerious depression. I really need to get a good job so I can pay most of my debt off and get my own place...... it kills me to live at home with what goes on. I cry almost nightly.
- Toni's Sidekick, at work

The Parable of the Lost Son

 ¹¹Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. ¹²The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.

 ¹³"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. ¹⁴After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. ¹⁶He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

 ¹⁷"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! ¹⁸I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. ¹⁹I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' ²⁰So he got up and went to his father.
      "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

 ²¹"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.^[a]'

 ²²"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

 ²⁵"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ²⁷'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'

 ²⁸"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

 ³¹" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³²But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

My sister is not yet found as the youngest son is at the end of this passage. She is still out squandering property with prostitutes, as the passage refers. I relate very much so with the oldest here - go figure, I am the oldest child, duh - but I still find it unfair that the "fattened calf" was not slaughtered for the merriment of the oldest.

I guess in the case that the youngest came back home and was "lost and is found" in the end, yes, there's reason for celebration; if my sister turned to God and completely turned a new leaf, I would understand. It would be deserved. But she has not yet done so, and still I sit here in the shadow of that Princess; I respect my parents, I do whatever I can to please them, and I still feel like #2.

Lately the problems between my parents, my sister and myself have greatly upset me. BADLY. I don't have a regular eating schedule or a proper diet, I don't ever sleep anymore. I almost never work, which is also cause for my distress (I'm always more happy when I feel productive and can take care of myself), but my main stressing factors lie in my home... my resentment toward my spoiled sister, that treats everyone as if she is royalty and the world is her servant; my upset with my parents at their inability to do anything about it, let alone give me a larger room that I deserve to have and would take better care of...

My sister plans to breed her dog. She has no means of taking care of a pregnant dog, let alone the knowledge, financial ability, or responsibility to do so. This will HURT THE DOG if she breeds her, because she will be neglected and hurting. She might even die if she gives birth. Finally we have an appointment to get the dog fixed and get her the rabies shot she's never had. She's never even been to a vet for shots, because my sister has not allowed my parents to do so, nor has she done it herself. I called the vet to ask about "what IF the dog is bred? will it harm her to still get her fixed?" and the vet was very positive and helpful. The dog will not be harmed AT ALL if she's fixed and has been bred, it would just cost a bit more to do the procedure.

That's a relief. I'm really happy to know that. There would be no homes for these puppies, and my sister thinks it will get her money to have puppies. Are you kidding me? They won't even be two steps away from purebred dogs, and mutt-puppies will NOT bring in money!!!

Oh well. I am happy that at least THAT problem is being resolved. It won't even be extremely expensive to do so.. I'm so happy about that. The dog will be safer this way, and maybe my sister will be so angry she won't come home anymore.

Last night my mom told me that my sister is planning on moving back home, again; I spent the rest of the night crying in my room. I am still under stress when she's not here, but for her to come back? And have to deal with that wretched girl daily again? The way she treats me, my parents; the way she disrespects the house and everything in it...... I am so sick of dealing with it. If I had a way out of this house, I'd take it; but I don't. I have no money - I work two days a week now - and I have no one to stay with. No where to go. Nothing.

Sigh. My mom SAYS she's going to just tell my dad that I'm moving back into that room. I asked her what she'd do if I just moved back in myself without saying anything to my dad; we agreed he'd probably want to kick me out because he'd be so angry that I did such a thing without his permission. I agree. It's disrespectful, but I see no other way. So she said instead of ruffling already aroused feathers, she'd just tell him it was happening. No discussion, no more delays; I deserve, and she'll give the reasons why.

I hope it works. I hope she means it this time. I am so unhealthy living in this tiny room; it is so small that I'm claustrophobic in it, and it never gets clean because I have too much stuff (that I use daily, mind you; I have already moved everything unnecessary out of this room and into storage). I can't live like this. I'm a neat freak and this is driving my OCD wild.

Well this entry is long enough. Bleh.

I'm really down the past few days; my room is a mess and it's just too tiny to really clean. I have nowhere to put anything and no way to organize anything because there's NO ROOM TO DO SO!

Today I started tearing it all apart. It's all over my floor and my bed and I don't know what to do with all of it to clean it back up. I just...started taking things apart and throwing things away. And I'm at a loss for what to do now.... it's not even halfway cleaned or done.

Oh well.

I am going to an orientation at the Humane Society next Wednesday night, after which I'll be volunteering 3-4 times a week. I really, really want to get into veterinary, and volunteering with animals will at least get me more experience with them. Lorean and I went to the humane society yesterday just for fun, because I like to pet the animals and give them loves.... and it was heart breaking.

So many pit bulls... so many cats... so many animals!! It's a huge, beautiful facility compared to the last one, but it's still packed full. So many pets have been abandoned during this hard time, and it just kills me inside to see all of their fuzzy faces from inside those cages. They have the saddest eyes... like the only people in the world that loved them suddenly decided they didn't want to love them anymore, and they're just tossed to the side.

I know it's not like that. So many people are forced to give up their pets, and it's horrible, but that's just how I feel when I look at them. So lonely...

Some of the animals don't even bother getting excited when you come near them anymore. So many people have passed them up and just walked by, it's like, why bother? Why bother getting excited, looking cute and wagging my tail - no one takes me home, anyway. Day to day, people pass me by, and I just sit there and look at them.

Guh. Heart breaking. Absolutely heart breaking. I want to adopt them all and give them all love. Poor, poor animals. :-(

At least by volunteering, you make sure there's just ONE more body in that place getting to know them frequently. A familiar face, scent, and voice to comfort them while they wait for their forever-homes.

But I can't because I'm still at work.... I probably will when I leave.

I have only 14 hours this week, and I only have 13 next week.

Really. I want to cry. I was already gonna run out of money for bills before my next paycheck, but now?? Now I won't have money the next paycheck, either.
- Toni

1. Really..seriously.. clean your room. I know it doesn't get much more clean than this, but try? Please?

2. Make Valentine's Day Cookies.

3. BTW, in order to make said cookies, you need a cookie cutter. Go buy one.

4. Please find a second job. :-( 14 hours a week for only $8.50 an hour isn't going to cut it, and even 20 hours a week is just skimping by.

5. Pray a bit more for that new job. I know you have trouble praying for YOURSELF for things, but you should do it.

6. Secretly come up with SOME kind of a devious no-fail plan to get your old room/your undeserving sister's room back. It's huge. It's just the right size to put your stuff in to and even get your comfy bed from storage - you'd actually sleep at night! WOW!

7. Cancel number six, because it ain't happenin'.

8. Try to find out why your little boy kitty won't clean his butt as nicely as your little girl kitty does. He smells of poo.

9. Make dinner tonight.

10. Clean ferret box.

11. GO FOR A LONG WALK BECAUSE YOU'RE TUBBY.

12. .....get some coffee, because caffeine sounds like just the pick-me-up your lethargic attitude needs. :-D

13. Cancel number 12, make it better: go french press yourself some coffee, lazy ass. :-D

The end. I'm bored and really need inspiration to do ANYTHING right now. I'm not in the mood for diddly squat. I just want to lay in bed. I'm pretty upset about not being able to afford my bills... I'm going to run out of money in the next week and a half.

Sigh.

You let me down. You suck. I don't like you.

The end.

I really hate living here.

I really hate living with my family.

I really hate my sister. No, I'm not joking or exaggerating.

She is threatening to have her friends beat my ass. Why? Because I told her she was rude and horrible for coming home and disrespecting me in front of them - people I don't know - and she disrespects everyone in this house.

So she tells me to die a "painfull lonley death" and threatens to have her friends kick my ass for calling her immature when she sent that.

What do my parents do?

Nothing.

What does my dad say?

That he doesn't know both sides of the story yet.

WHAT OTHER SIDE IS THERE? This girl steals from you, lies, breaks any and all rules you provide for her because she doesn't give a crap who she hurts or who gets upset as long as it's all done her way and she gets what she wants. And you want her side???????? Are you KIDDING me?

Not to mention... THE WHOLE DAMN THING IS IN MY CELL PHONE VIA TEXT MESSAGES!! All of it!! Including what I sent her! Read it ALL, it'll be exactly like I friggin' told you it was!

WHY would I lie about this?
WHY would he doubt me?
WHY does he need to hear her side when he KNOWS she's a worthless piece of lying, junkie-friend-having crap?
WHY does he still favor her when she is such a horrible person?

No, this is not "sisterly love", for anyone reading this that doesn't know me. There is sisters not getting along because they're sisters, and then there's sisters not getting along because the youngest sibling is a waste of air for doing such horrible things to the people that care for and about her.

When does this end? When can I leave? Why can't I leave now? WHY am I in this HORRIBLE situation that I can't move away from or get out of, and no one other than me sees that it needs to change? WHY do my parents just brush off her mistreatment of us like it's ok? It's NOT ok, get your asses out of denial.

I want to cry and sleep all day. But I can't. Because I have to go to work. And I don't want to. I just want to be far, far away from here.

I HATE this.

It's too early! Normally I'm a morning person. BRING ON THE MORNINGS! But today... my slight cramps mixed with the fact that my  bed was just so much warmer than the rest of the house appears to be..

Yeap, definitely too early. Unforgivably early. Or so it seems for now.

I'm definitely going to be making some sugar cookies for Valentine's day!! Anna always makes her treats look so delectable, and I'm going to snag the Valentine heart cookies from her little blog and bake up a storm. They're adorable.. though I think I might try some marbled effect on the icing instead, just to save time. The faster they dry, the faster I can get them out of this house and that wretched kitchen. Then I can take them to people :-D

My boyfriend got up this morning and went to go work out with his brother. I only work Saturday afternoons, but they do their work out in the mornings and then sit around and play whatever new board games his brother has purchased in the afternoon.

Honestly, I know it's all of the time he's been spending over their with his new nephew, Liam, that makes him suddenly decide he'll want kids in the future - not just one, and no adopting (he doesn't like the idea?!), but two kids that he expects me to pop out, UGH.

Anyway, right after he left my house he called me and insisted that I go for a drive toward his parents' neighborhood. He said the clouds in the sky were covering everything expect for a few small peep-holes, where the sun shown through on to a vast, misty fog that covered our little out-of-town valley. He said it was gorgeous. He knows that I love sunshine through the fog, so he called to let me know. I grabbed my camera, barely fixed anything about myself - I'd just gotten out of bed - and drove out that direction.

I got just a few snapshots, which I haven't uploaded to my computer yet, but by the time I got to the neighborhood, the fog had slipped away up on to the hills. :-( It still made for a gorgeous, refreshing morning drive, and I figured that since I was already out..... I needed to get Starbucks!

The only reason why I bother getting Starbucks while I'm not working (I work..at Starbucks!) is because I bought one of their awesome new Starbucks(red) cards. If you use it between the beginning and end of this year, Starbucks will donate $.05 for every purchase made with the card to Product(RED). It's an awesome donation to helping AIDs in Africa. I plan on recharging this card with my tip money in a few months (when I can afford not to use my tips for bills), and just using my card every single time I want to buy something. Check out the website for more Product(RED) information!! There are many ways to get involved!!

I digress...

I got my coffee - a Half-caff, venti, soy, extra-hot/extra-sprinkles/no-whip, sugar free cinnamon dolce latte (yes, it's a mouthful, but it's how I like it and I'm HOOKED) - and started back home. Soon after I started drinking my coffee, I got his strange, yet familiar, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.

My damn period is starting soon.

My cramps totally stole my coffee's thunder. Boo. Oh well, it still tasted pretty darn yummy :-D